i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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