Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
