You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
