The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
