he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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