I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
