I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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