I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
