im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
They have beer where we have blood.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
