I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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