He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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