Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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