I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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