i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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