Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
