I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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