rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Terrible idea I love it
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
i black out too much to be "responsible"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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