take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
His nipple licking is glorious
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