clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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