i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
