Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
