My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
