My Higher Power is John Stamos
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I will pee on everything he values.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
