The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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