My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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