if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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