I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
