...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
