I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
