Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
