Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
