i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
nutella sex= disaster
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
