I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
