I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Randomize
