Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
