Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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