My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I will be naked everywhere
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
