he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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