She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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