I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
