My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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