Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
