I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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