I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
