this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
