You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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