dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
