so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
