moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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