Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
