so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
