Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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