I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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