R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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