I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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