well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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