apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize