Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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