Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
