New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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