I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
