did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
