I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize