The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
