I look better un-naked...
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I stole a fireplace last night.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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