i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
