Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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