wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So many bounce houses so little time
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
