well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
