his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i love accidental penises.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
