John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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