I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
