just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
