I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
