So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
