my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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