there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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