Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
