This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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