and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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