i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
